Underland's Got Talent
by Little Timmyx
Summary: The Underland's Got Talent! Vikus, Solovet, and Mareth are judging the acts, but things may not go as planned...
1. The Gnawer Takeover

**DISCLAIMER! I do NOT own The Underland Chronicles, and I do not think I am Suzanne Collins, because Suzanne Collins has better things to do than write silly fanfics about her books, OK? WHY DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THAT AUTHORS HAVE WAAAY BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WRITE FANFICS OF THEIR OWN BOOKS, AND I HAVE WAAAY BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WRITE DISCLAIMERS THAT _SHOULD_ BE OBSOLETE! Please enjoy the fanfic, and do not take my ranting personally.**

UNDERLAND'S GOT TALENT

"Hello, all," said Vikus as he sat down at the judge's panel.

"Greetings," boomed Mareth. He sat down next to Vikus. Solovet arrived and glared at Vikus before she sat down. After snarling at Mareth, she began caressing her sword.

"Now, tonight we will-" Vikus glanced at Solovet. "Solovet, don't do that! Ahem. Anyways, today we will be judging the auditions for Underland's Got Talent!" The torches blasted on, illuminating a large stage. Above the stage were three oil lamps. If a judge got tired of the act, he or she would pull a lever near their seat, making the lamp drop and shatter on the stage.

"Our first audition today will be...RIPRED!" declared Mareth. Ripred skulked in.

"Evening, all," he drawled. Casually slumping against the wall, he began gnawing on a skull. He gnawed on the skull. He gnawed some more. He continued to gnaw. For ten minutes, everyone gazed at Ripred, who was still gnawing.

"Do you have an act?" snapped Solovet. Ripred smirked.

"Do I? Maybe I do, and maybe I don't," sang Ripred, obviously enjoying the dark pink shade of Solovet's face. Solovet rose, unsheathed her sword, and was immediately knocked out by a rat's tail. Mareth and Vikus gasped and turned. While they had been gazing at Ripred, Lapblood and Mange sneaked down behind the judges' chairs. Mareth and Vikus were quickly put out of commission.

"Can I come out now?" asked a sulky voice from backstage.

"If you must," said Ripred. The Bane crawled out onto the stage.

"Mwa ha ha ha!" laughed Ripred, "It's a Gnawer TAKEOVER! The new judges are...me, myself, and _moi._"

"What about me?" asked Bane.

"You, my little Pearliegirlie," he sneered, standing on his hind legs to pat Bane's head, "will be my _very special_ helper."

"Yaaay!" cried the Bane in delight, "I'm helping, I'm helping!" he sang. Ripred rolled his eyes, then laid down across all three judge chairs.


	2. Twirltongue

Ripred stretched out on the judges' chairs.

"Next!" he called. Twirltongue swaggered onstage.

"Oh, look," he yawned, "my favorite liar. How's it going, Twirly?"

"HA! Twirly! That's a good one! HA HA HA HA HA!" the Bane guffawed for a quarter of an hour.

"Are you finished?" asked Twirltongue, her tail slapping against the ground impatiently.

"NOPE!" the Bane continued to giggle.

"Shaddup," growled Ripred.

"OK!" the Bane cheerfully sat down. Ripred raised an eyebrow.

"Alright, Twirly," at this the Bane began to giggle, but Ripred shot him an evil look, "what do you have for us today? It better be something along the lines of shrimp in cream sauce." Twirltongue glared at Ripred.

"I will be making the most convincing speech the world has ever seen!" she dramatically declared. Twirltongue cleared her throat and tilted her head to the sky, as if leading the way to a glorious future. The Bane glanced up at the roof.

"What are you looking at?" he asked.

"Shaddup," she growled.

"OK," the Bane sat down once again. Twirltongue cleared her throat and began her speech in a charming, persuasive voice.

"My dearest friends-"

"Yeeeeeeeesssssssss?" asked Ripred.

"Shaddup," Twirltongue snapped, "I have a dream...where nibblers and humans coexist peacefully...in DEATH! Gnawers, unite against the enemies, and-RIPRED!" This jolted Ripred awake.

"I had a dream...where an irritating rat was droning on and on and on..." groaned Ripred. He looked up to Twirltongue glaring at him. "Oh, look at that. I'm prophetic." Ripred rolled over and went back to sleep. Twirltongue continued.

"'Delenda Carthago Est,' said the great Cato. I say we must-"

"Twirltongue the Gnawer,

Believes she's a clawer,

But she's more of pup for,

She can't fight a Cutter,

Although with butter,

She'd happily eat one for supper," sang the Bane. Ripred rolled on the floor, laughing. Twirltongue had had enough. She lunged at Ripred, claws flashing, fangs extended, going straight for Ripred's vulnerable neck.

"AAAAAAAAHOOOHOOOOHOOOOOOOOEEEEY!" screamed Twirltongue as she was whacked back onstage like a ping-pong ball. Now Ripred had had enough.

"Three strikes, you're out!" he snarled, slamming on all three levers at once. Three oil lamps shattered on the stage, setting Twirltongue ablaze.

"Put it out, put it out!" she wailed. Ripred sighed.

"We could leave her like this, but she's getting ash all over my stage, and we can't have that. Bane?" The Bane got in attack position, stood on his rear legs, and opened his jaws wide. He tossed his head back, making a hideous noise, and lunged at Twirltongue. Twirltongue was immediately sprayed with a mixture of phlegm and spit.

"Thanks," she hissed.

"You're welcome," said Ripred.

"I wasn't talking to-" began Twirltongue. Ripred pulled another lever. A trapdoor opened up onstage.

"AAAAAAAHOOOHOOOHOOOOOOOEEEEY!" screamed Twirltongue as she fell down an endless pit. Bane began to giggle.

"Heh, heh. Twirly...HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" laughed the Bane. After giving the Bane an odd look, Ripred laughed, too.


	3. Ares

"Refill!" called Ripred. A terrified human scurried to Ripred and filled his bowl with shrimp in cream sauce. Ripred poured the contents of the bowl in his mouth, smacked his lips, and sighed. After hurling the empty bowl at his refill human, he pointed up at the Bane.

"NEXT!" called the Bane, obviously delighted with his job. Ares the Flier soared in and landed in the center of the stage. After nervously glancing up at the three oil lamps, he announced his act.

"I, Ares the Flier, will...eat butter!" he declared proudly. Ripred raised an eyebrow.

"Seriously? This is your act?" he sneered.

"Indeed it is."

"Riiiight," Ripred turned to the Bane, who was preparing a spitball, "DISQUALI-"

"A _lot _of butter," Ares added hastily. Ripred held up a paw to stop the Bane. Pearlpelt sadly swallowed the spitball.

"Proceed," said Ripred, sounding mildly interested. Ares cleared his throat.

"Drumroll, please!" Ares pointed to a corner with his claw. Gregor was sitting down unhappily as Boots pounded on his head. Ares drew a stick of butter taller than the Bane from who-knows-where, and began to hum. He continued to hum. The Bane joined in. Soon the stage was echoing with 'Ride of the Valkyries' by Wagner.

"Get on with it!" snarled Ripred, "I really want to see this butter-eating thing." Ares, without further ado, swallowed the entire stick of butter. Everyone gasped! Ares proudly stood tall for a moment...then he expanded. Within seconds, the flier resembled a fuzzy ball of lard with a squat head and tiny wings. Ripred, Bane, and Boots applauded loudly.

"That was brilliant!" sobbed the Bane, "genius! Poetry in motion!"

"Beeg bat go BOOM!" cheered Boots. Gregor merely grumbled about his job as the human drum.

"Impressive, but can you still fly?" asked Ripred.

"Can I fly? Certainly!" declared Ares cheerfully. He counted down from three on his claws. "Three...Two...One...ZERO!" With an ear-splitting BRAAAAAAP, a wave of sulfurous odor blasted through the stage. Ares rocketed "skyward," propelled by a billowing cloud of gas. Ripred crawled back on his chair, his fur comically blasted backwards.

"Impressive!" He coughed, "If he ever gets back down, he'll get first prize!"

"Beeg bat go BOOM!" chanted Boots and Bane.

"Shaddup," growled Ripred. The Bane stopped chanting sheepishly, but Boots walked right up and bopped Ripred on the nose. Ripred hissed and raised his paw.

"Pearlpelt!" he called. Pearlpelt conjured up a huge ball of phlegm and saliva. He spat, and Boots was drenched in the mixture. Boots cheerfully inspected herself.

"I sticky!" she said, then turned to Gregor. Gregor's eyes grew wide in fear.

"Boots, don't-" It was too late. With a big, "Gre-go! I sticky!" she leapt into his arms, smearing him with the Bane's spit. Ripred guffawed.

"Security!" he called, just as Gregor whipped out his sword in vengeance. A large Spinner swept down from the ceiling and kicked Boots and Gregor backstage.

"I love this job," sighed Ripred.


	4. Howard

Ripred relaxed on his chairs and yawned.

"Oh, look," he drawled, "it's my favorite Underland doctor. How's it going, Howard?" he asked as Howard walked in.

"Well, Ripred," Howard said civilly, "and yourself?"

"Fine, fine," said Ripred, "I'll get to the point. Have you brought me food?"

"Er...no...I came to do an act...that's what this show is for..."

"I'LL DECIDE WHAT THIS SHOW IS FOR, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" snarled Ripred, jolting the Bane out of his nap.

"Hi!" yelled the Bane when he saw Howard. Howard screamed and ran backstage. "Was it something I said?" sobbed the Bane.

"No, no. Calm down, you lardball." snapped Ripred. Ripred gestured for Security. A few seconds later, Howard was unceremoniously dropped onstage by a large Spinner. After repeating this process a few times, Howard got used to the Bane.

"What do you have for us today?" asked Ripred.

"I'm going to save lives!" cheered Howard.

"No one's life is in danger...yet," Ripred bared his teeth.

"I'll fix that." Howard grinned and began to caress a knife disturbingly. Ripred smiled.

"I like the way you think. Who's the lucky guinea pig? I'll give you a hint: Luxa," whispered Ripred. Howard went backstage.

"Heeey Luxa, ol' cuz, ol' buddy, ol' pal, ol'-" yelled Howard.

"What do you want?" interjected Luxa. Howard thought about how he could convince Luxa to come onstage.

"Um...I...um..." Howard cleared his throat. "HEEEELP! RIPRED'S IN TROUBLE!"

"Why would I ever help Ripred?" asked Luxa. She had a point.

"C'mon Luxa," called Ripred from his chair, "is that any way to talk about your bond?"

"I forgot we were bonds, but Ripred seems fine," snarled Luxa, "I still won't come onstage, if that's what you want, Howard."

"Pleeeeeeeease?" begged Howard.

"No."

"But we're," Ripred smirked, "bonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-"

"Stop it."

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-"

"This is childish."

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-"

"ENOUGH!" Bane decided to get in on it.

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn-" sang the Bane happily.

"Fine!" yelled Luxa, "I'll go onstage."

"Nds," finished Ripred, gasping for breath. Luxa and Howard hopped onstage. Howard whipped out his knife and-

"Wait a minute," said Howard, "I can't hit a girl!"

"What?!" snarled Luxa.

"It's not technically _hitting_, is it?" said Ripred, exasperated. "Just stab her!" Before Howard could do anything, though, Luxa flipped him on his back and stomped on his stomach.

"OOOOOMPH!" gasped Howard.

"Me too! Me too!" cried the Bane, preparing to leap onto Howard's belly. Fortunately, Howard managed to spring to his feet and run as the colossal white rat dove to the ground. "Ouch," muttered Pearlpelt. Ripred applauded.

"Excellent, excellent!" he called. Both Underlanders glared at him. "Howard, fix up Pearliegirlie there," commanded Ripred, pointing to the Bane, who was curled up in a fetal position.

"Ouch," whimpered the Bane. Howard went to work with pastes and bandages. Luxa stood by, angrily kicking at a few rocks. Within a few minutes, the Bane was back to his old self again. "I'm better!" he yelled, dancing around the stage.

"Well, Howard," said Ripred, "you demonstrated your medical expertise, and you made Pearlie stop crying, so you _should _move on with a prize, but..."

"But?" gulped Howard.

"But I don't like your cousin," finished Ripred, glowering at Luxa, "so you will be disqualified."

"That's not fair!" cried Howard. He and Luxa raised their swords and charged at Ripred. Ripred quickly tripped the still-dancing Bane with his tail, causing the mountainous rat to fall on Howard and Luxa.

"GET OFF OF MEEEEE!" screamed Luxa's muffled voice.

"Security!" called Ripred. It took 20 of the strongest Spinners to get Bane on his feet, and 2 more to pick up Luxa and Howard and throw them backstage.

"Right," yawned Ripred, "who's next?" The Bane gave his paper a curious glance, then did something so odd that even Ripred was confused.

**Dun dun dun... **


	5. Bartholomew of Sandwich

"What are you doing?!" shrieked Ripred as the Bane stuffed the paper in his mouth, "we need that to remember all the acts!"

"Sorry," mumbled Bane through a mouthful of paper, "I smelled food. Plus, it said 'sandwich' on it. What did you expect me to do?"

"Shaddup. Sandwich...sandwich..." Ripred muttered, ignoring the Bane, "who could that be?"

"Yo, yo, yo, my homies!" yelled a very proper British voice from backstage. A _very _rotund man rolled onstage in 17th century English garb.

"What?" asked Ripred in confusion.

"Ya can't ignore the rappin' rappin' rappin' o' the Ol' Ham Sandwich, yo!" the man poorly rapped. Ripred and the Bane exchanged looks.

"Are you Bartholomew of Sandwich? _The_ Bartholomew of Sandwich?" asked Ripred in disbelief.

"How many others are there, yo? You homies can just call me Ol' Ham Sandwich!" he said.

"How did you find time to rap when you were so busy writing prophecies and eating sandwiches?" asked the Bane.

"Which appear to be all you've done," added Ripred with a nod to Sandwich's midsection.

"Prophecies?" asked Sandwich, "yo, I didn't write no prophecies! How could I possibly have time to write prophecies when I was busy filling up a whole room with my genius raps, yo?" Ripred considered this for a moment. Then he fainted, flat out on the floor. The Bane gasped in horror.

"YOU KILLED RIPPY!" he screamed. He was about do drench Sandwich in a horrible mixture of spit and phlegm. Fortunately, Ripred sprang to his feet.

"Do. Not. Ever. Call. Me...RIPPY!" he snarled at the Bane. The Bane gave a cry of delight and enveloped Ripred in a hug.

"Rippy's OK! Rippy's OK!" Bane chanted. Ripred sighed, then reluctantly hugged the Bane back.

"Awwwwww..." sighed every single Underlander. It should be noted that the stage was empty apart from Sandwich until now.

"Don't you people have better things to do?" snapped Ripred, "Get off me you big lummox!"

"OK!" the Bane plopped Ripred down on his seats. After glaring at the Bane, Ripred spoke.

"Mr. Sandwich, do you mean to tell me that all of those prophecies were just nonsense raps you made up?" Ripred asked calmly.

"No," sighed Sandwich, "my mom wrote one of those." Ripred facepalmed.

"Mr. Sandwich, do you mean to tell me that all of these prophecies that we Underlanders base our _whole lives_ on...they are all just random rhymes you and your _mommy_ made up?"

"That sounds about right!" Sandwich said cheerfully, "Can we get to my bit now?" Ripred was babbling incoherently about plagues, leaping off cliffs, giant white rats, codes, nibblers, and death.

"Sure," said the Bane, who had taken command of the show. Sandwich cleared his throat and took off his fancy coat. Bane averted his eyes in horror as the fat aristocrat revealed a black tank top and lots of bling.

"Yo, yo, yo! It's time for the Ol' Ham Sandwich! Ya can't ignore my rappin' rappin' rappin', so _GET DOWN!" _he yelled. Every Underlander within a five mile radius suddenly remembered that they had jobs, and the five mile radius was all but deserted, save for a few confused Crawlers.

"_Yo! _

_Warmblood now a bloodborne death,_

_Will rob yo' body of its breath,_

_Mark yo' skin, and seal yo' fate._

_The Underland becomes a plate." _At this, Sandwich whipped out a plate and started chomping on who-knows-what. "Nomnomnomnom! LUNCH BREAK!" He then ran from the stage. The Bane sighed in relief, only to gasp in terror as Sandwich returned with a couple more pounds inflating his considerable waistline.

_"Turn and turn and turn again._

_You see the WHAAA?! But not the when._

_Remedy and wrong entwiiiiiiiiiine,_

_And so they form a single viiiiiiiiiine._

_Bring the warrior from above_

_If yet his heart is swayed by love._

_Bring the princess or despair,_

_No crawlers care without her there." _At this, the Crawlers clicked excitedly. "Be here, Princess, be here?" The Crawlers quickly cowered again as Sandwich continued.

_"Turn and turn and turn again._

_You see the WHAAA?! but not the when._

_Remedy and wrong entwiiiiiiiine,_

_And so they form a single viiiiiiiiiiine._

_Those whose blood runs red and hot_

_Must join to seek the healing spot._

_In the cradle find the cure_

_For that which makes the blood impure._

_Turn and turn and turn again._

_You see the WHAAAA?! but not the when._

_Remedy and wrong entwiiiiiiiiiine,_

_And so they form a single viiiiiiiiiiiine._

_Gnawer, human, set aside_

_The hatreds that reside inside._

_If the flames of war are fanned,_

_All Warmbloods lose the Underland._

_Turn and turn and turn again._

_You see the WHAAAA?! but not the when._

_Remedy and wrong entwiiiiiiine,_

_And so they form a single viiiiiiiiine__._

_VINEYARD AIN'T NO CRADLE, DAWG!" _Sandwich finished his rap with an odd-looking pose that he thought looked "cool." To the Bane, it looked like he was trying to not to throw up while pretending to be an alarm clock and simultaneously chewing on his leg.

"How'd I do, homie?" asked Sandwich proudly. The Bane gawked at him for a moment.

"How did you do? How did you do? You reduced my dad to a babbling lunatic, your rap sent multiple Crawlers into hiding, and no one will come within five miles of this stage!" bellowed Pearlpelt, "How do you THINK you did?"

"Quite well," declared Sandwich. The Bane pulled a lever, causing Sandwich to fall through a trapdoor into oblivion. Ripred bolted to his feet and laughed.

"Well," he said dryly, "Narissa will not be pleased."


	6. Thalia

**Hey, readers! This story is getting really low on reviews. Thanks to Darklord, Tytonic, and Kvackkvack for reviewing, but could we get some more? Thanks, and enjoy Chapter 7!**

Ripred sighed and leaned back in his chairs, his belly swollen as a hippopotamus with a gland problem. After gulping down enough shrimp in cream sauce to make a Shiner vomit, he declared himself cured of the trauma of Sandwich's "performance." After releasing a colossal burp, he waved his paw at the Bane.

"Next," muttered the Bane, still miffed at Ripred's refusal to give him more shrimp in cream sauce, on the grounds that he was already too fat. The Rager did have a point. Pearlpelt was now three times Ripred's size. As the Bane was wondering if he could lick one of the empty bowls clean, Henry jauntily walked in.

"Oh, look who it is! Hi Henry!" called Ripred cheerfully. Henry smirked and prepared to make some glib joke. He opened his mouth to speak-"'Bye Henry!" Ripred pulled a lever, sending Henry down a trapdoor. There was a long silence as Ripred and Bane cupped their ears. There was a muffled thump.

"Get your idiot carcass off of me, human!" growled Twirltongue.

"How dare you! I am ROYALTY, you mangy rat! Why I ought to-" He was cut off by eerie slashing sounds and bone crunching. "What's going on up there?" asked Henry.

"Bane!" snapped Ripred. Pearlpelt sighed and turned off a record player of scary sounds he had stolen from the Museum.

"Dearest Henry," began Twirltongue in her most charming voice, "please get off of me or I will-"** (A/N: Sorry folks, but if I wrote what Twirltongue said, the rating on this story would have to be bumped up to at least M. Let's just say it was very violent.)**

"Ok," mumbled Henry. The trapdoor swung shut.

"NEXT!" called Bane, delighted at seeing someone fall through the trapdoor. Thalia the Flier flew in and landed. She eyed the ground and shuffled to the side nervously.

"Well? Let's hear it," drawled Ripred.

"Tonight, I will...leave you laughing!" cried Thalia. Ripred raised his eyebrows.

"Well, I suppose this could be-"

"Brilliant! I'll get my stuff!" Before Ripred could finish his sentence, Thalia flew away and came back, wheeling in a brick wall, a spot-torch, a megaphone, and Hazard on a drum set. The Bane applauded loudly. "Goooooood evening, Gnawers and gentlemen! I'm going to tell you jokes, and you're going to like them!" Hazard did a rimshot for no reason. The Bane and Ripred exchanged puzzled looks. "Anyhoo, I told this joke to Frankenstein's monster, and he was in..._stitches!"_ Thalia fell over laughing as Hazard did a halfhearted rimshot. There was an awkward silence.

"Um...I don't get it," grumbled the Bane. Thalia scowled and decorated her fur with vines. For a while, everyone stared at her as Thalia just stood there.

Finally, she blurted, "I'm...SOLOVET!" Thalia fell over in a fit of hysteria. Ripred rolled his eyes and snarled.

"How the Dead Land do you think you could make us laugh with something so...so..." Ripred began to chuckle.

"So?" prompted Thalia.

"So...FUNNY!" Ripred fell to the floor in spasms of laughter. Bane gave him a peculiar look for a while, then began to laugh, too. Soon, all three of them were howling on the ground.

"Do you remember...the...joke?" wheezed Pearlpelt between laughs. Ripred paused for a moment.

"NOPE!" Both Gnawers resumed their hysteria. The Bane rolled on the floor, his tail flailing about in all directions. Suddenly, the tail whacked Ripred, sending him careening across the stage. Thalia and Bane were oblivious to the sickening THUMP as Ripred slammed against the brick wall. He stumbled to his feet, a bump rising on his head.

"Heh...heh..." Ripred chuckled deliriously, his pupils swirling around his eyes, "stitches...Solovet..heh...hee...wait!" Ripred's eyes regained focus. "That's not funny!" He glared at the vines on Thalia's head, and inexplicably remembered the plague. Why did he...AHA! Ripred quietly tapped a signal using the Tree of Transmission. Almost immediately, a large Spinner dropped from the ceiling.

"Security here," declared the Spinner in a deep hum.

"Excellent," hissed Ripred, "arrest that Flier for the use of illegal performance enhancing plants!" Thalia heard this and tried to flee, but the Spinners were too fast. Pearlpelt suddenly stopped laughing.

"Thalia the Flier," snarled Ripred, pacing the stage, "did you use silver jungle vines to make everyone laugh, thereby trying to win first prize by cheating?"

"Um..no!" said Thalia, just as Hazard said, "Yep, sounds about right." Thalia glared at Hazard.

"Thalia the Flier," snarled Bane, imitating Ripred, "did you tell not funny jokes, thereby telling not funny jokes?"

"Shaddup," snapped Ripred. "All right, Thalia. If you plead guilty, you can get a reduced sentence. If you maintain innocence, you will be held in jail while we prepare a trial."

"How long will that take?" asked Thalia bravely. Ripred grinned.

"I think the last one took twenty years!"

"Only twenty?"

"It would have lasted longer, but Vikus said something about needing food, so we had to take him out of there." Thalia crumbled.

"I did it!" she wailed.

"Good," sneered Ripred, "Now for your sentence..." Hazard, who everyone had pretty much forgotten about at this point, did a drumroll.

"I AM!" shouted Bane. Everyone glared at him. "What? It's a reduced sentence!" Hazard resumed his drumroll.

"You will...see a concert!"

"Pheeww..." sighed Thalia.

"Phew indeed," muttered Ripred with an evil grin.

LATER...

"LET ME OUT!" screamed Thalia.

"Yo, yo, yo!" screamed Sandwich, who had recently emerged from the pit. Hazard clapped and rapped along with Sandwich.

"Refill!" called Ripred.


	7. Cartesian and Lizzie

**THIS EPISODE CONTAINS A PHINEAS AND FERB REFERENCE. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN IT, GO TO YOUTUBE AND LOOK UP THE "BRICK SONG" ON PHINEAS AND FERB. **

The Bane looked left. Ripred was napping, snoring like a foghorn. The Bane looked right. The stage was deserted. Without further ado, he leapt onstage. He opened his mouth and began to sing.

_"Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, Bane, He's fun." _The Bane ended with a grin and a thumbs up towards the nonexistent audience. Ripred's eyes slowly opened.

"What are you doing?" he groaned.

"Er...I'm...uh...training for battle?" fumbled the Bane.

"From what I saw, that's enough to send an enemy screaming," Ripred sneered, "Well, I can't sleep after viewing that horrible display. You might as well call in the next sucker-I mean guest." The large gray rat stretched luxuriously.

"NExt!" cried the Bane, his voice cracking. Ripred snickered. "That's iMMAtUre!" screamed the Bane, tears rolling down his cheeks. "How COUld YoU? I ThouGHT YOU weRE My FRieND!" he wailed, running offstage. He passed an old Nibbler, who looked after him in shock.

"Don't mind him," drawled Ripred, "he's becoming a grown rat, and you know what that means." The Nibbler thought for a moment and shuddered.

"You have my condolences," chuckled the Nibbler, "I'm a mouse. You really don't want to know how many of them I have in my litter."

"No, I don't. Well, what's your name, Nibbler?" asked Ripred.

"I am Cartesian," replied the mouse calmly.

"What will your act be?"

"MATH!" blurted Cartesian, "I will be doing MATH! Logarithms, polynomials, combinatorics, parametric equations, exponential functions, all kinds of MAAAAATH!" With this, he hurled himself at the wall and began scratching out complex equations, giggling maniacally.

"MAAAAATH!" echoing his cry, Lizzie charged out of a tunnel (she had been staying with the Nibblers in a sort of math camp that summer) and leapt onto Cartesian's back, laughing incoherently about Cartesian coordinates.

"Okay...you can stop now..." said Ripred hesitantly. Lizzie and Cartesian didn't hear him. "This could be a long day," muttered Ripred as he sank into another nap.

MEANWHILE, IN THE BANE'S ROOM...

Pearlpelt was slumped on a large rock, reading a book.

"Wow...this is a real page-turner...gasp! NOOO!" The Bane began to cry. "Why did it have to be Hamnet!? Why? Nooooo!" Gushgore, who had heard the Bane's sobs, ran in.

"What happened? Is someone hurt?" he asked, grinning.

"No. Only Hamnet..." the Bane continued to weep. Gushgore rolled his eyes.

"What book are you reading now, Bane?" The Bane checked the cover.

"_Gregor and the Curse of the Warmbloods._" Gushgore shrieked. "What happened?" asked the Bane.

"I wasn't here. You never knew me! I-I'm just your-your...long lost third cousin four times removed in law, and I... have never seen you in my life! I don't know what you're reading!" Gushgore scampered away, screaming.

"Huh. Gushgore sure is dumb!" snickering to himself, the Bane continued to read. Suddenly, two men in black suits and dark sunglasses appeared in front of him. "Who are you? Did you bring food?" asked the Bane cheerfully.

"We are government agents. You have broken the fourth wall." declared one of the men curtly.

"What he said. You're under arrest. Breaking the fourth wall is a crime punishable by...er..." The man though for a while. "We are not authorized to say."

"Wait..." the other man turned to his compatriot, "by acknowledging the existence of the fourth wall, haven't we broken the fourth wall ourselves?"

"You're right, private. We are under arrest." The two men busied themselves with handcuffing each other. The Bane watched them for a while, then casually left the room.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH...

A lethargic face stared out at the field, his eyes filled with arrogance, boredom, and dullness. This was a cow. An equally apathetic farmer yawned and poked the cow with a pitchfork.

"Move, you stupid cow," drawled the farmer.

"Mooooooooo," replied the cow.

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE STAGE...

"And then you take the fifth root of pi, and put that all to the five times e power..." mumbled Cartesian, feverishly writing as he spoke.

"But first you multiply both sides by the natural logarithm of the arcsine of imaginary twenty seven!" squealed Lizzie, scraping the numbers into the wall.

"After that, you add it all to the quadratic equation of x equals seventy-seven, y equals thirty, take the polar coordinates of the whole thing, use the Argand diagram to find the imaginary plane values...find the probability of locating an electron in the f and d subshells of a Helium atom... and then-"

"DIVIDE IT ALL BY ZERO!" screamed Lizzie hysterically, losing herself with all the excitement of math.

"NOOOOOO!" shrieked Cartesian, but it was too late. The entire stage was engulfed in a raging firestorm. Rocks rained from the ceiling as the entire wall exploded in a blast of fire and energy. The floor of the stage imploded, and Ripred, Lizzie, and Cartesian fell into the rubble. Finally, Ripred woke up from his nap.

"What happened here?" he asked calmly. Cartesian and Lizzie poked their heads up above the crumbling wood and guiltily pointed at each other. Ripred sighed. "Who divided by zero?" Lizzie meekly raised her hand. "We will need a miracle to fix the stage now!" groaned Ripred. Suddenly, there was a small noise from overhead. It got louder and louder. Everyone raised their heads to the sky. Could this be the miracle they were hoping for?

"CANNONBALL!" screamed the Bane as he jumped into the remains of the stage, sending a huge plume of ash into the air. Everyone sighed in disappointment. "Don't worry! The man in the red suit will save us!"

"What?" asked Ripred.

"Ho ho ho!" laughed a voice from above. Who could it be?

**Sorry it took so long to update...I had stuff to do before school started. It might help if I had some incentive, like, oh, more reviews...hint, hint! Have a great school year, everybody!**


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